just like a match, you strike to incinerate

i don't think parents know

just how powerful their words are

to their children

how deep their words cut

maybe it's because

they think we're still kids

that we'll grow out of it

or

get used to it

i don't think our parents know

that we never grew out of it

i don't think our parents know

that we didn't just get used to it

we grew with it

we adopted it

we adopted the pain

we adopted the wounds

we adopted the scars

"you hate me

so i hate me too"

self-hate which

led to self-harm

self-harm of the acceptable kind

smoking, cutting, drugs, alcohol, pornography

acceptable, simply because

our parents fueled it

acceptable, because

we're just kids.

and so i wouldn't mind dying now. dying young. they say that the good die young. maybe this way i will finally be known as 'good'. Whatever in hell that means.

retribution

Is it wrong to pray for the death of a person? What if everyone, and every community that said person is in contact with, will benefit from his/her death? Or perhaps the positives of his/her death outnumbers the negatives. Then, would it be acceptable to pray or hope for his/her death?

Is it wrong to be happy when the wicked falters? Is it wrong to rejoice when the evil perish?

I frankly don't think it is. Does thinking this, in turn, make me evil?

Do people not rejoice when a tyrant is brought down? Did most nations not erupt in jubilee when it was confirmed that Hitler committed suicide?

Or perhaps they too were evil for celebrating the end of their oppression.

No, you're right. How can I be a leader if I'm still so shitty?

Why am I a leader? I should just quit right?

I also don't know lol.

advice from neil gaiman

http://zenpencils.com/comic/50-neil-gaiman-make-good-art/

Words to live by.

Art is a beautiful thing no? Be it visual, literary, or performing arts, they're all avenues of a human expression that is so captivating. The way it is able to tell stories; to breathe life.

I recently started to follow the wise words of mister Gaiman. The tail end of last year was a bit of a rough time, so I used it as an opportunity to follow his advice. I wrote in my journal, I tried my hand in poetry (as cheesy as it sounds), I wrote songs, I made music. Channeling all that raw emotion into what I'd like to think is art.

In my anger, I wrote. In my sorrow, I played my guitar. In my foolish teenage sadness, I sang songs. And I find that there's no better way to overcome such deep emotions than to make art. 

I think it's amazing how in every season, good art can be made. I think the comic in the link up there perfectly exemplifies how art can be made in bad times. But let's not forget to make good art in the good times too. Write poetry. Write love songs. Dance. Sing. Make beautiful music.

The point is: make good art.

but i'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

it hurts to the core.

but don't take the pain away from me. don't give me comfort, not just yet.

the pain reminds me that i, at the very least, still care. despite how long it's been, how far the distance, how much we've changed. i still care. the pain reminds me that despite this brokenness, there was happiness. and that's enough for me.

perhaps this pain carries a hope. a hope that one day we'll be able to correct this mess. but now what's left is a glimmer, and if it's not to be, what am i to say?

just don't take the pain away from me. not just yet.

sting

what is a person supposed to do when he or she is inflicted with pain? what would you do to try to quell the pain?

i busied myself.

volunteering for events I never really cared about. helping out anyone in any avenue possible despite being exhausted. doing this, and that, and then more.

all this in hopes that dear mind will be distracted from sorry heart. in hopes that the pain will numb, and eventually evanesce.

but the pain remains. and it still hurts like hell.

more of the same please

I'm just going to make this as quick as I can, but it'll still be pretty long haha, so forgive me.

If I could sum up 2014 in a word, it would be this: uncomfortable

One of the major events for me last year was going off to National Service. Now, I don't think I've given NS much justice when sharing about my experience, nonetheless I have my reasons. NS was thoroughly uncomfortable for me. I was the only banana (non-chinese-speaking Chinese) in the whole camp, but lucky for me, it was where I trained my Cantonese haha. Another thing to note is that there's a lot of racial barriers in NS, but it was also in NS that I witnessed one of the best examples of unity among Malaysians. More on that some other time, although it probably is way overdue haha.

Another uncomfortable thing about this year? College. I am horrible at making new friends; so much so that throughout the whole semester I only made two 'friends'. Even then, I haven't spoken to them since the semester ended. So yeah. I felt like an outcast lots of times, being surrounded by some 'interesting' characters. It was also in college that I really felt the pressure of being a Christian, from a teacher no less. The story's a bit complicated, so I'll leave it at that for now.

Oh yeah I was officially made a youth 'leader' in 2014. Again, uncomfortable. I didn't expect lots of things to be the way they are, and how difficult and discouraging it can be to be a youth 'leader'. To think that Wes, Sau Mun, and Mel have been at it for 7 years.. Nevertheless, in every labor and toil, the worker is worthy of his keep. Being a 'leader' really is challenging, but extremely rewarding. 

One of the proudest moments for me last year was that I shared in youth for the first time, prophesied over someone for the first time, and also for the first time ever, the devotion material for camp wasn't done by SM! It was done by Neil and yours truly heh. A stepping stone towards change perhaps, but I feel that in every small triumph that I enjoy, God puts me through some trying times, simply to remind me that 'hey, that was all Me, not you.'

I guess this year, God has been exposing me to all kinds of people. From kampung boys, to sophisticated party-kakis, I feel that God is showing me the different sides to Malaysia that aren't apparent, but are very much present. And just how much each one of us need His love.

So yeah, it's been one hell of a year. One thing that I set out to do last year, was to make mistakes, which I did. Some I deeply regret, some not so much. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Because I've learnt so much from these mistakes, the kind which can't come by watching but only through experience. 

Few minor good things about 2014: I read more, wrote more, blogged more, stalked more (lolwat), made some new friends, lost a few, grew closer to some, prayed more (but barely enough), worshiped more, bought less gear, learnt more..but most importantly, I've fallen deeper in love with Him.

And so here's to more. More of the same, hopefully, but above all, more of Him.

~

a boring man's bucket list

Some of the things that I've managed to achieve the past year go as follows:

• Went on a holiday without family
• Kicked a coral while snorkelling (even have the scars to prove it!!!)
• Got stopped by the cops
• Got a job
• Shaved my head bald
• Stopped numerous fights (bangga)
• Had my pants pulled down by a friend
• Pulled down a friend's pants
• Did rappelling!!!
• Shot an M16!!!
• Got my own room (YAASSSS)
• Got my driver's license (YAASSSS x2)
• Got a proper pedalboard
• Improved musically (i think lah haha)
• went to college (not that i had a choice)
• got inked
• dropped my phone and cracked it
• fixed my phone
• Gained weight
• Grew shorter (i kid you not)
• lost my shit
• gathered my shit
• then lost it again

Meant to be humorous. I'll do a proper review of the past year soon I promise.