i am a monster

i have been, am, and always will be a work in progress. but i'm covered by love. a grace so crazy. a mercy that lasts forever. i don't understand Him, but therein is my problem. why do even try to? why can't i just calm down and rest in His embrace?

~

Are you ready to live your life?

Are you healed enough?

Can you stop? Can you stop,

And enjoy the ride?

1620

i don't want the light.

the curtains are shut, and the only light that's illuminating the room is the one from my laptop.

i don't want to feel the warmth of the sun. nor do i want the false sense of security that any other light source will bring. today i'd prefer to linger in the darkness.

i don't want your happiness, as infectious as you claim it to be. happy is just a word thrown around by posers to make their life easier. happy isn't precise; it isn't sad but neither is it true joy.

i don't want your friendly handshakes and warm smiles, as genuine as you make it to be.

i'm sorry, but today i don't want Your light.

~

athletics, II

opponere

Nobody said it'd be easy.

In fact, it should be anything but easy.

If things were easy, then something somewhere is wrong, because easy is a lie. 

If this was easy, then it probably means Lucifer doesn't think that I'm a threat to him.

I don't want that.

I want to intimidate him. I want him to be afraid of the light that dwells in me.

~

The Almost, Monster

rip the seams, tear it loose

. . . and once more drenched be we, the accursed.

~

A rainy night this perfect calls for a cup of tea, a little writing, and Switchfoot's Eastern Hymns for Western Shores on repeat.

In other news, I got myself a journal to write in. 

inspired by a halfling

Finished The Hobbit the past week. My my, what a mighty fine book this is! Probably spoiled the ending of the final movie for me, but I'm still looking forward to it heh. 

I wonder, and really do genuinely wonder, if I will someday be like Bilbo. A meagre, mediocre, normal guy, unexpectedly called to an adventure. Called to step out of his comfort zone of bacon and eggs every morning; called to desert normalcy. To have wet, hard rocks to sleep on in exchange for soft pillows and sheets. To have a dragon breathing fire down his neck, rather than smoking his good ol' pipe. To meet all kinds of people and creatures, instead of the same old neighbors.

And all that adventure, only to return home once again

You see, the thing about Bilbo that strikes me as a little peculiar (yet familiar. weird, I know.) is that he never asked for an adventure. He was well off and content in his little hobbit hole — happy, if you will. Nevertheless, an adventure came beckoning. Still, he had a choice.

Tolkien breaks it down pretty simply. Our dear hobbit possessed two sides to his character: his Baggins side, the one that prefers comfort and surety, and his Tookish side, the one that just thrives on adventure. And the funny thing is that throughout the book Bilbo is constantly at wars with himself. He was at times excited with what he was in the midst of doing yet at the same time he still longed for the comfort of his home.

Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under stars,
Yet feet that wandering have gone

Turn at last to home afar.

Eyes that fire and sword have seen

And horror in the halls of stone

Look at last on meadows green

And trees and hills they long have known.

Perhaps it can be said that each one of us like Bilbo, have our own Baggins and Tookish side. Perhaps one outweighs the other, or maybe they're finely balanced.

Perhaps I am just like Bilbo. Aching for an adventure yet still requiring to return home after said adventure.

Besides, adventures make for great storytelling. Like that time a couple of friends and I got stopped by a police roadblock in Langkawi. Anyone can talk about getting pulled over by a cop, but if one speaks from experience, the tiny little details prior to being pulled over is what makes it a gem.

In the words of Paulo Coelho: 

Is it possible to know something without ever having experienced it? 

Yes, but it will never truly be part of you.

Can't wait for my sem break!!

~

tell me a story

I just realized something new about myself. I enjoy stories. No, no, not stories of Prince Charming rescuing the damsel in distress; I'm talking about life stories. Stories that tell of choices, mistakes, salvation, redemption.

I met up with a friend for lunch last Saturday. Right after I was done eating, I asked him, 'So dude, what's your story?'. He was slightly taken aback haha, but I never actually knew his story, which he quickly realized. And so, he told me his story. From his upbringing and childhood up til now, he told me every raw detail of his journey.

I will not tell you his journey, after all his story should be his to tell, no? Nonetheless, it's such a blessing to know him, and his story. And more so to have such a loving Creator!

I wish I could do this often. I wish I could just sit down with anyone and say, 'Tell me your story.' Even better, I wish I could document the many stories of people. We are all walking storybooks are we not? As Paulo Coelho said, words are life set down on paper. Each of us have a chapter to be written, or perhaps a symphony to be performed. We are all unique; fearfully and wonderfully made; our stories enchanting.

One day, if it were just you, dear reader, and me, conversing over coffee (or tea or what have you), don't be surprised if I told you, 'So, tell me your story.'

~

Tenth Avenue North, No Man Is An Island

progress

Hey.

sighs. what is it..

Just checkin on my beloved. Had a rough week?

Don't You know it..

Do you remember what you shared last Saturday?

...what about it?

Do you recall telling the youths something like 'choose to worship Him (or in this case, Me) in your troubles and worries' ?

Yeah I do..

Well, good news. Now's your chance to practice what you preach.

~

Young and Free, Sinking Deep

inane

We toil and labor all the days of our lives to build towers. A monument of sorts of which we acquire refuge from. A symbol of strength, to some extent, our pride and glory.

Every brick that we've laid, a saturation of blood, sweat and tears. The blood of our forefathers, the sweat of our labors, and the tears of those who love us; of those we've severed all ties. The costs of our construction borne by others. Until the second before everything comes crashing down, do we actually see that the towers we've built have all turned to ash. We have turned to ash.

Our great edifice, all this while a sepulcher.

~

uh-may-zing

A little bit of a late post, but last Sunday's worship service was crazy! We didn't have the best of rehearsals, but wow, God turned up when Wes led, and when Jason preached and led the congregation in worship. I quote Jason: 'It was one of the shortest message I've ever preached, but it was the greatest I've seen God use me.' 

Jason preached a word that, if I might say so, was timely not only for myself but also the whole church. Only now do I realize what I've been doing wrong in my personal worship all this while! On that note, Acts 16:22-34 is a crazy portion of scripture.

One of the highlights: Jason asked everyone to stop playing and let the congregation sing. So we stopped, i took off my in-ears, and wow. I mean, WOW. It was crazy. I'm not even exaggerating when I say this, but it sounded like angels were with us worshipping. I've seen this done by so many bands, but I've never felt God move so mightily before. I tried to join in but I couldn't! God's presence was so strong I sobbed every time I tried to sing! I don't even know how to describe it man haha.

During the debrief sharing session, I shared how it was the best worship experience I ever had; better than planetshakers and Israel Houghton (not kidding)! I was on the brink of crying just mentioning it! I just realized this, but whoa how crazy was it, that God's presence was still in the room, after service was over and everyone had left?! 

Jason's so awesome. I look up to him so much, fanboy a bit too haha. What a man. So anointed, so wise, and so down-to-earth! Oh yeah did I mention that he's funny? I'm not sure if he's always like that, but when he hangs with his tsoa batchmates, the man turns into a joker, poking fun at each other haha. He's the kind of guy I'd love to be around whenever.

Maaaan I wish he'd hang around Malaysia for a little longer.

~

may we never lose our wonder; wide-eyed, mystified,
may we be just like a child, staring at the beauty of our King.

closed eyes, conscious mind

I woke up today to the soft drizzle of rain. The pitter patter on the roof tiles carried a consistent rhythm, while the clouds above impersonated a virtuoso.

It wasn't early in the morning, yet it wasn't late. It was about half past seven; I didn't need to check the clock, I knew it by the atmosphere. This particular time is always the best phase of mornings. It's when day greets night in a beautiful mess. When the cool drab of night is reintroduced to the glowing smile of day. To put it simply, it's like an evening in the morning.

Whirring fan, warm blankets, soft sheets..could it get any better than this?

Of course it could. With company. I mean, these kind of moments are meant to be shared, no? Life is meant to be shared.

But no. Not yet.

~

A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, 

and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, 

for only then does he have something to invite her into.

~

daphne loves derby, i wish you knew this song was about you