wait

"are you healed, or just distracted?"

centred

and all over again, i find myself beginning from your cross.

all my defences undone at the feet of one who bled for me.

all my weapons and rage falling apart at the calm whisper of love.

with all my broken fragments and pieces, it's here i start over.

persona

"Aslan is a lion – the Lion, the great Lion."

"Ooh, I'd thought he was a man. Is he–quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."

"Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

– C.S. Lewis, The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe

chronos

another passing day, another fleeting second.

gone. and gone. and gone. and gone.

step by step, edging closer to the end.

it's only a matter of time.

culmination

a gentle answer.

a quiet touch.

a desperate glance.

a muffled sob.

an exasperated sigh.

an innocent text.

a drawn out yawn.

a loss for words.

a brave front.

a tired smile.

the sum of it all:

a cry for help.

give

i go through the same cycle, again and again and again. picking up my weapons only to lay it down the moment i catch sight of the greatness of this battle.

like struggling against the currents as it beats down mercilessly, wave after wave. head bobbing up and down, and up and down. gasping and drinking it all in; the air, the oxygen, the water, the anxiety.

so. overwhelmed.

i need you to help my heart find its hope again.

di sini lahirnya sebuah cinta

this year marks Malaysia's 61st year of independence. personally, it's a special one, but not because of the outcome of our recent elections. 

see, i've always loved Malaysia. i've always believed that Malaysia is beautiful, despite her flaws and regardless of the political climate. her land, all of her people, and her cultures, all make up a breathtaking mosaic, that kinda mirrors what worship before the Throne would look like.

i've been encouraged (or advised) by many in the past to study abroad, build a career, and eventually, migrate to other countries. but truth be told, it was never something i had considered, nor was it something i could see myself doing. my dad, on the other hand, doesn't usually share my sentiments when it comes to our land of birth. in fact, he was one of the people who encouraged the idea of migrating to another country. he even tends to support opposing countries whenever our country plays a sporting event. needless to say, it annoyed me a lot.

but some time this year, i saw my dad put up the Jalur Gemilang outside our house. this was before election season, mind you, so i couldn't believe my eyes. for what felt like the first time in my life, i saw my father make a public display of affection for Malaysia, and this despite the whirlwind of tiresome politics at the time. 

i knew, right then, that this was a special moment. it's just a small flag and a small gesture, sure. but it was a huge change of heart. and i couldn't be happier. 

again, this was before pakatan harapan won the elections. before there was even a hint of a change of government. and here's what i'd like to imagine: even if barisan had won the elections, he would have still kept the flag up. personally, i might not even be bothered if barisan won. what mattered to me was that my father actually took pride in this country.

for once, he had faith, hope, and love for Malaysia.

so here's hoping that more and more of the estranged children of this land, both young and old, would see the beauty of Malaysia, and love her despite her imperfections.

wander

finding.

searching.

exploring.

but all the lines seem to lead me back to you.

carry

you're wrong. 

happiness isn't forgetting. 

happiness is finding new things to remember.

source: iwrotethisforyou

savor

"this is it joel. it's gonna be gone soon."

"i know."

"what do we do?"

"enjoy it."

– Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

retrace

i still love words.

i still love your words.

i still love you.

everything

she could give him the whole world but it would still be her that he wanted.

yearn

the world is never content.

the day it is will be the day it dies.

— Jose Saramago, Raised from the Ground

cripple

grief chokes out joy in an instant.

count to three and breathe deep.

count to five and blink it back in.

but what's the point of holding in tears?

just give in.

as if grief can be exhaled.

bankrupt

after the grief, the pain, and the seemingly unending drops of tears shed, what if i get tired of singing?

what if my heart stops flowing with a song?

what if the rhythms and melodies of my love song fade away? what then?

what now?

talk

is cheap.

and i am no less guilty of giving my word away cheaply.

someone told me recently to be a man of my word. i used to think that i was. but i'm not.

and now, i think the best way to keep my word is not to give my word anymore.

let

all this thrashing and shaking is loosening my grip.

and maybe it's a good thing.

authorship

if only i could rewrite the pages of the last few chapters.

but the book of life is written in ink and not in lead. there is no eraser to undo my mess, no correction fluid to cover up my faults.

mistakes made can be redeemed but not undone.

and still, life goes on.

for an optimist, i'm pretty pessimistic

picking up the shards and, amazingly, it looks as if it can all be pieced together again.

but how long before everything falls apart once more?

i'm not used to being happy so this feels like another delusion.

rant

what's the point of trying to create in the youths a sense of belonging to a church when they don't even have a sense of belonging to the Father? 

when they don't even identify as sons and daughters of God?

are we aiming to create members of a social club who excel at organizing and participating in events, or sons and daughters who would love the Lord with their lives even unto death?

not saying it's wrong, but one comes first before the other.

and i think it's obvious which one.

ramble

to be honest, i love comfort. who doesn't? don't bullshit me by saying that the hustle and the work makes things more worthwhile.

if you could have the same joys without the pain, why would you choose to throw pain in the mix?

to take things for granted is a privilege.

laying down our comfort has been made to sound such a noble and easy thing to do, but until we come to the point of actually giving it up do we realize how heavy a price to pay it actually is.

if it was easy, it's probably not that noble.

i love comfort, because i'm selfish. so crucify me. aren't we all selfish?

growth? i wish growth was overrated.

i wish.

cycle

grieve.

seethe.

dismiss.

forget.

laugh.

recollect.

repeat.

follow

i'm learning to dance in the rain.

to be okay with getting soggy and messy from the wet and the mud.

learning to enjoy childish things.

to jump into murky puddles instead of avoiding them like the plague.

all whilst holding the steady hand of my Father.

i'm learning to dance in the rain.

i'm learning to dance with the rain.

it's the best way to live.

dependent

without You, i can do nothing.

without Love, i am nothing.

so come define me; i am who You say I am.

trust

sometimes the heart gets hurt over and over again to the point that it becomes numb and we're unable to feel anymore and we forget what it's like to hurt what it's like to laugh heartily what it's like to grieve what it's like to burn with anger.

sometimes we need friends who would intentionally pierce that wound again.

so that we can feel pain again, and so that we can continue healing.

after all, wounds from a friend can be trusted, right?

perspective

temporary, temporary.

even if for a thousand years, this pain is still temporary.

linger

and after all this pain, you'll find that the sky has never been bluer, the leaves on the trees never greener. all of a sudden, life bursts with color and vibrance all over again. life feels like.. what it's meant to be. like what we've always dreamed about as kids.

the songs of the sparrows are no longer mocking. the waters in the rivers no longer gray and dull. the heat of the sun on our skin has never been more welcome.

the seasons change. now, it's spring time again.

if only we could stay a little longer.

plea

tell me that there is more to life than this. there must be more.

tell me that i am more. that i am more than just a statistic. that i am more than just a number in a collection of data. that i am more than just a percentage in a demographic. that i am more than an individual in a collective.

tell me that life is more. more than a never-ending carousel that we've all accidentally bought a ticket to. more than moments of maybes and whatifs and whatcouldhavebeens. more than a losing battle. more than a bleeding struggle. more than this sick prank.

tell me that there is more than this darkness. tell me that there is light. that there is a rainbow.

tell me that there is hope.

tell me there is more.

promise me there's more.

fade to

black.

intense. blinding.

darkness that makes your eyes cry and retinas burn for color. for white or grey. for anything.

anything, but this.

how we long to glimpse with innocent eyes again.

how we long to unseal the shuttered windows and barricaded doors of our hearts again.

but fear, oh fear, today claims to be the landlord; our souls are just tenants.

some days we see light. some days we see rays of vibrant colors piercing our shadow. some days we hear shouts and songs of One whose voice sounds like rushing waters.

but not today.

i want to take Your word and shine it all around;
but first help me just to live it Lord.
and when i'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown;
for my reward is giving glory to You.

count

silhouettes on the horizon

one two three four

counting down the time left

four three two one

two by two they sway and fall

one two three four

til the darkness overtakes us

four three two one.

mirror

i am the liar.

i am the addict.

i am the wicked. 

i am the hypocrite.

i am the pointed fingers.

i am the unbeliever.

i am the prodigal son.

i am the pharisee.

i am the adulterous wife.

i am the unfaithful bride.

crucify me.

daily, crucify me.

~

anberlin - change the world (lost ones)

continuum

hey hello there have we met your eyes look familiar your smile peculiar i could have sworn i met you in another life could have sworn i kissed those lips in another reality of time and space can i have your number can i have your attention can i have your hands can i have your heart here's mine take it i gladly give it just go easy only go easy on me here is my sweet surrender here is my undivided attention hey hello there i've been expecting you hey hello there i've been waiting for long for this. 

for you.

~

sleeping at last - neptune

2017

if i were to sum up this year, i'd say that this year has been like a really deep, long, heaving sigh.

a sigh with notes of grief and gratitude. a sigh that brings back sharp yet familiar pangs but also nostalgia-induced smiles. a sigh that comes with the hold and the release. a breath so deep, it hurts. bitter and sweet, all at once.

or i'd say that this has been a year full of tears. 

it's been a really long year. but oh how the time has flown. oh how the year has passed.

this year has been one that i wanted to hate, but couldn't; yet when i wanted to like it, i couldn't help but hate it.

so, so bittersweet.

but time goes on, and the next year must come. as bittersweet as 2017 has been, i know 2018 is a fresh invitation to trust You and to taste a new flavor and dimension of Your goodness.

so bring on 2018. His grace is never going to run out this year, the same way it never has every year.