sufficient

You are good.

in the pain. in the tears. in the disappointment. in the aching. in the grieving. in the quiet. in the silence. in the dry and weary land. in the anger. in the bitterness. in the mess.

in it all, You are good. and that's enough for me. 

it has to be.

nemesism

i'm not the only one not sleeping.

he stirs and lurks in that dark, dusty corner. his presence steals every ounce of peace that i had owned.

i finally fall into deep slumber, but he is there still; he haunts my dreams. i suffocate in my dreams, as they strangle my understanding.

i wake, and he is there still, the bitterness of yesterday.

she is there still, the envy of former days and former selves.

i struggle against the waves of bitterness, gasping for breaths of peace and love, but i find myself drowning in the overwhelming currents of anger and rage.

overdependence

"In Acts 2, Peter is filled. In Acts 4, he needs to be refilled. Why? If you are doing this right, you must get filled often. There is one baptism. But we are to live in such a way that we give away all we've got, while our capacity for Him increases.

Needing to be refilled is not a sign of something gone wrong. Continual dependence on more is a good thing."

— Bill Johnson, Hosting the Presence

wear

i feel like my heart is on the brink of imploding.

that all it would take would be for someone to prod my heart, to further agitate what's already stirring.

i don't understand how mind and heart and soul can be so contradictory and in conflict with spirit.

i don't get the waves of depression that i constantly fight and drown in, even when the atmosphere and people and everything around me tell me otherwise.

i don't comprehend how to truly lay down a hundred percent of my affections at Your feet, and for them to be given wholly to You.

i've come to realize that my little heart can only take so much.

oh it can only take so much.