distant

i had a dream last night. 

you were in it.

and in it, you were mine to keep. mine to lavish my affections upon. mine to show off to the world.

it felt so real. so possible.

but of course, it was just a dream. that's the thing about dreams. they always feel so real.

i'll tell you what's very real though: the dejection after the dream.

~

Copeland, Erase

compassion

you've grown so used to pain and hurt, that you've grown numb. you don't feel the sting anymore. you don't notice. you don't care. you push on towards whatsoever you've deemed worthy to be your goal, choosing not to heed anyone else.

some applaud you, noting you as a symbol of strength. of determination and independence. 

yet there are others who chastise you, rebuking you for your ignorance. they say you are arrogant, for your lack of empathy. and they are right. 

how could you be. so. heartless.

please don't grow numb. please feel the pain. 

please stay human.

ignorance

"Why did we become blind?"

"I don't know. Perhaps one day we'll find out."

"Do you want me to tell you what I think?"

"Yes, I do."

"I don't think we did go blind. I think we are blind."

"Blind, but seeing..?"

"Blind people who can see, but do not see."

— José Saramago, Blindness

caving in

I'd be lying if I were to say that it didn't hurt. It did. A lot.

I didn't expect it to wound me so badly though, and that just makes it so much worse.

I'm a fool to have expected anything better.

confused, dejected, frustrated; all at once

i think i just need some time to rethink everything. my personality, values, aspirations, relationships, likes, dislikes, the truths and lies i choose to believe, the people i open up to, amongst other things.

i need to clear my head. preferably without you around.

infatuation

I wrote a page for you, but it wasn't enough. So I wrote another, and more, and more. 

It's still not enough.

~

Sleeping At Last, Watermark

ephemeral

"Will she be the same?"

The old woman guffawed, as if I had said the funniest thing in the universe. 

"Nothing's ever the same," she said. "Be it a second later or a hundred years. It's always churning and roiling. And people change as much as the oceans."

— Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane

apathy

"Do you mean that we have more words than we need?

I mean that we have too few feelings.

Or that we have them but have ceased to use the words they express.

And so we lose them, both the words and the feelings."

— José Saramago, Blindness

detached

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting.

Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me."

— C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed